Don't let anybody tell you that talking to yourself is crazy! If it is, then we're all equally crazy, because like it or not, we all have an inner experience of self-talk. Many of us know our inner voices to be highly self-critical, and sometimes downright mean. And maybe that's a good first question to ask yourself:
If you came across someone who spoke to you the way that your inner voice talks to you, would you want to be their friend? And what does that tell you? In reverse, would you tell your best friend the things you tell yourself?
Many of us could do with a revamp of the patterns of our self-talk. Most of us could at least be a tiny bit kinder to ourselves. Sometimes I see my clients battle with a feeling of insincerity or inauthenticity when they learn how to reframe their thoughts. "It just doesn't feel believable" or "I know it's true, but I cannot say it without feeling uncomfortable". Welcome to the experience of cognitive dissonance, which (plainly) refers to the pain your brain experiences when you try to make it think of two opposing ideas at once. If you have grown up hearing the same messages over and over saying "you're not good enough", it's likely that your brain has made some sacrifices or concessions to make room for that message to "feel true". Often, we can remember that there was an initial time when we felt pain at the reception of the same message. It's hurtful to be told this, and as children we know the truth, and that's not it. So, we accommodate the compelling voices of our parents and teachers and peers (because we have no choice not to) and we learn that our truth doesn't matter. Healing looks like reclaiming our truth. And finding alignment with the narrative about ourselves that is more helpful. Calling yourself names and shitting on all your efforts probably will not get you very far in terms of accomplishments or achieving your life's purpose. There's a cost. But because we can experience cognitive dissonance as a tough experience, we may be deterred to do the work to stop heading in the wrong direction.
That's when healing calls for a more organic and gentle approach. Instead of forcing messages down your throat that feel like they don't resonate, why not bring a curious and playful attitude to this process? Like the best dentist on the planet (bare with me). He/She is not going to help you take care of your teeth and want to visit the dentist by strapping you in the chair and shaming you into submission - trust me, some try this method and have a low return rate. Instead an amazing dentist will listen to you carefully, ask you questions, help make the visit light and fun and go at your pace. They will include rewards for the progress that you make, and validate your fears and tell you what they're going to do before they do it.
Okay, I digress. but whether you channel your inner super-dentist, or fairy godmother, or Jonathan van Ness, the idea stays the same. Bring kindness first, and a softer approach can include asking questions and listening carefully for the voice of your inner child for the answers. Do this by meditating on a prompt, journaling and writing about it, or having discussions in your therapy about how you think about these things.
Exploring the new narratives (or old buried ones) can be helpful to find a sense of what your truth is, and helps you learn to listen to yourself. It can help you honor your purpose, find meaning in your life, and choose new possibilities for yourself. Asking questions that have no "right or wrong" answers can be liberating from the sense of obligation we may feel toward our family, culture, societal morality, etc. Some of the following questions will be helpful as a practice, in moment-to-moment decision-making. Others will be less regular reflections to help define who we are and what we want.
Try these on and see what you might learn while holding yourself with compassion:
What is my truth here, in this moment?
What is the next good step I can take towards my values?
What are my values?
What is the need I have that is not being met right now?
What am I doing to contribute to the situation I am dissatisfied with?
What is a way I can show myself kindness right now?
What are the things I feel most proud of?
What are the attributes I would most like to be remembered for?
What is important to me in the here and now?
What else can be true?
What else can I choose?
What is this feeling telling me about myself?
Be warned, these questions do not offer you the solace of escaping into blame-mode or the rest of keeping the status quo. These questions are designed to reflect on your own inherent agency and ability to live your life in a different and beautiful way. Being honest with yourself (and others - enter boundaries) is a good place to start.
You are talking to yourself all the time.
May you do so with kindness & respect. You deserve that much.
May you take the time to ask yourself some questions and give yourself the gift of truly listening to what you have to say.
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