Let's face it, it can be really tough to express ourselves effectively when we feel vulnerable or afraid of conflict. Some of us barely learn how to meet our own needs, never mind actually speaking up for them to others. But this is a very important skill required for self-healing and living responsibly. My good friend and colleague, Fiona Brophy, showed me this lovely acronym that has helped me to navigate tricky situations with more ease. I love teaching and practicing the skill of assertive communication by using this formula.
Now, if you are anything like me, you might find it difficult to know what to say. I have found this acronym easy to remember, and with a little practice it becomes incredibly useful to guide me when I need to give feedback, share my feelings, or ask for what I need.
Here's how it works:
(W)hen you...
Here, the idea is that we want to open our communication with what The Gottman Institute refers to as a "soft start up". The Gottman institute has done incredible research in couples and how we communicate, and John Gottman, legendary researcher, states that "94% of the time, the way a conversation starts determines how it will end". When we start up a conversation with a big ol' finger pointing in someone's face, or with blame-filled absolutes like "YOU ALWAYS do that" or "YOU NEVER listen to me", it can dump our efforts to be heard before we even get going. To accomplish effective communication, we want to address the behaviour without alienating the person. The focus is on pointing out the behaviour that was the trigger for the disagreement or unmet need.
E.g.
"When you told me that you still think about your ex-boyfriend sometimes..."
PRO TIP:In starting up, we want to check our tone and voice volume too.
(I) feel...
Once we've clarified the behaviour we want to address the way it has made us feel. This is a really critical step. Often, we ignore how we're feeling, and this likely ends up in the conflict escalating. This happens because when we communicate our feelings without being overt, the secondary emotion of anger can overshadow the hurt, disappointment, or sadness we might feel. Our defenses come up when we feel vulnerable, and left unchecked, can cause us to unknowingly go into attack mode. For this step, it's imperative to make sure that we feel safe enough to be vulnerable and open about our feelings. This takes courage and a deep breath, but can make a huge difference in helping us feel understood and heard.
E.g.
"...I felt jealous and scared..."
PRO TIP:Try sticking with the actual emotion, i.e. angry, scared, sad, etc. rather than what you want to do, e.g "i felt like running away" or "i felt like i was going to explode".
(S)pecify why
When we share our emotions, the biggest hurdle is jumped. But sometimes it can be really helpful to add on some reasoning or background to explain the feeling and context. This is not to justify our feelings. Our feelings are valid, whatever they are, albeit not factual. Instead, this step is about providing our listener with the ability to understand what the thoughts are that go along with the emotion we've expressed. This serves as an opportunity to clarify our views, recognize flaws in our cognitions, and to identify patterns in the stories our thoughts tell us.
"...because I've been cheated on before, and I really don't want to lose you. I've been worried about how little time we spend together lately..."
PRO TIP: Be brave, but keep it brief..
(E)mpathize
When it comes to assertive communication, we are not just looking to be heard, but also to protect the relationship within which the communication plays out. Therefore, it is important to take a moment to show our commitment to making space for the listener's feelings and perspective. We want to ensure that our counterpart can see that we value their position as well as our own from a place of mutual respect. So empathizing has to do with momentarily reflecting what you observe from their experience. This is also very helpful in grounding us in the shared experience, rather than the ego's attempt to win the fight. E.g.
"I can imagine this is hard for you to hear, because you seemed to just say it in passing and you didn't mean to concern me. Of course you'll think of him, that's natural"...
PRO TIP: Watch the other person's facial expression, and reflect what you see.
(R)equest
We have the opportunity to "teach people how to treat us", by making a request of our listener to change their behaviour. This is our chance to share preferences like changing deadlines, reminding someone of manners or standards of practice, or requesting some consideration or support. We take responsibility for bringing solutions and suggestions rather than simply criticizing the status quo. This might look like:
"Could you try to avoid sharing with me about that? I'd prefer if you relied on your girlfriends if you need to talk about your exes."
PRO TIP: Focus on behaviour again, not how you want the person to change.
(R)esponse
Communication is a two way street. And as important and exhilirating as it can be to express ourselves as wholeheartedly as is set out here, we are only half-done if we haven't yet created space for our counterpart to be heard too. Most of the work in effective communication is about listening. With our ears and eyes. Remember to invite a response with a willingness to truly hear your partner's feelings. E.g.
"How do you feel about that?"
PRO TIP: Ensure that you are in a space where you can attend to your counterpart and listen without interrupting. Be willing to listen even if you don't agree.
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